You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
