The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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