they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.