how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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