and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying