If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
