I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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