We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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