I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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