How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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