Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
