You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I need a beard to bite.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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