so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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