batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
