He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
