Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
