The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I stole a fireplace last night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
