Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
