Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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