I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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