I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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