I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
