He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
