Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
