i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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