My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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