The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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