I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
