Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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