I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
