Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
