either way he was missing a nipple.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hippo gnu deer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
