you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
