My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
