Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
