There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
