Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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