R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
