He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
