I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
