It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
