My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
