I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
