ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
