Don't make out with my wife yet
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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