I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
