I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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