After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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