idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
