I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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