I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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