I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
