I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
