You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
