Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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