Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
